I'm having another mid-life crisis. Bear with me, I know I do this a lot.
Taking Sprocket for a walk on Sunday, I suddenly panicked about my life. I saw an old lady walking into the senior community across the street carrying groceries. It was afternoon, and I hadn't done anything with my day (life). Time was slipping away. I thought about her: Was this the most important thing she had planned today? Living out her senior years? In Farmington? Utah? Would she look back, perhaps in a diary, one day and read, "Dear Diary, today I walked to the store. Eggs were on sale. Spent the rest of my day in my living room. Alone."
I feel really small. What the fuck am I doing with my life? What have I put my heart into? What have I created that made a difference? Why am I so fucking boring? What do I do with myself? I didn't run. I haven't written the next great American novel. I haven't mastered a new song on the piano. My guitar is collecting dust. You get the idea.
A general sense of dis-passion is making me lose faith in myself.
I took a break from running because it had become all consuming; a relationship that had swallowed me whole. People associated me with running, overlooking the fact that I'm not very dedicated. Or, that I'm not any good at it, really.
Now, I spend my afternoons on pinterest, or stalking my celebrity crush (I'm obsessed), or watching Netflix. I find plenty of time each day to groan at the people taking up space around me: snarky Davis County moms who hate everything except khaki capris, SUVs, and A-line hair cuts. I get irritated by selfies, bored by religions that encourage their members to prosthelytize on Facebook, and I rage against the liquor laws in my state.
In short, I've become the most boring person I know.
|Here's my fucking selfie.|
I'm not even sure why I'm doing it. I guess because it's a great race. I have good memories of running it in the past. But, also, because there won't be any repercussions if I don't do it, except that I will continue to grow discontented with my comfortable lifestyle. (Seriously, great job, good weather, happy days - it's not what I'm used to.)
I brought this up to a friend the other day, and she had two things to say to me. First, she gave me some running advice she heard while running with Cory Johnson, who said, "Don't let nothin' in that don't serve you."
And, second, her own advice: "Just be kind to yourself."
So, that's what I am taking with me. That, and my new iPod, as I have lost yet another one. Wish me luck.
|The selfie of a bored and lonely millenial.|